We had a letter this morning that read as follows:
'I am writing to you with the disappointing news that NHS England are unable to fund a further cycle for you. The funding policy only allows for 3 fresh cycles which you have recently completed'.
I was desperate for an answer of what to do.. it has been answered for me. We can no longer have anymore NHS IVF cycles.
This journey of IVF has ended and though it seems we have come out of it empty handed there has been so much I have learnt and so much that has opened my eyes up to the miracle of children. I feel no sadness at the end of this journey. God has delivered me from the greatest pressure I have ever been under. He knew I couldn't take no more...the pain had been too great. I feel relief as though a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders and His peace has filled me...
This season of my life has finished and that means that there is a new one rising on the horizon! I see it brightly shining and warm as the sun! I thank the Lord for His faithfulness throughout this toilsome and rough season we have just been through. He has never left me once and His work in our lives has been awesome!
Saturday 22 November 2014
Sunday 16 November 2014
Ache...
Baby dedications...full of such great joy yet how it awakens that ache, that longing within the heart... It comes upon me suddenly like a gasp of cold air. How ungrateful I feel when the pain fills my heart. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to feel blessed about.
Sometimes the pain is so overwhelming that it blinds and obscures my eyes so I cannot see beyond it. I sit there heavy and weighted by the paroxysm of sorrow and anguish...perhaps even bitterness which weeps from heart. My throat feels choked as I worship before the Lord. I want to sing and release my voice yet a constricting feeling closes my throat. I am as rigid and stiff as a soldier before the Lord hiding my imperfections.
If my heart's anguish was seen upon my face there would be endless tears, scars and blemishes. Worship is hard at times like this...
Saturday 8 November 2014
As time begins to pass...
After my other two cycles I never really wrote about the effects that the IVF leaves on your life once a cycle has failed. It's already nearly been a month since my egg collection.Though much of this month has been spent trying to recover from the physical effects that the IVF caused, time and time again I get little reminders of the emotional and mental effects of IVF.
Emotionally it has been a rollercoaster. I have gone from being shocked, angry, seriously depressed and guilty. Mentally I have suffered from anxiety and stress. The anxiety has been playing out quite a bit over this past week to the point where 3 times I have had bad nightmares. As I write this now I had a bad nightmare last night. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream. I had the same old thing where when you wake up the dream feels so vivid but then it seems to quickly fade away leaving only the feeling that the dream contained. I know this dream was full of hospitals, doctors, needles, even antibiotics but what struck me most about it was I kept crying out for help from nurses and doctors and no one listened to me. It was as though chaos surrounded me, people rushing everywhere and noise and I just wanted someone to help me.
I woke up with a nasty feeling of unease.. it is strange that I have had 3 nightmares in one week. It's as though when I am asleep my mind is trying to process everything that happened. I feel perfectly fine on the surface and many emotions have passed and life has gone back to normal. Yet somewhere deep inside I know that pain lurks repressed and is leaking out in the form of nightmares and anxiety.
Time is passing by but much healing yet needs to take place...
Emotionally it has been a rollercoaster. I have gone from being shocked, angry, seriously depressed and guilty. Mentally I have suffered from anxiety and stress. The anxiety has been playing out quite a bit over this past week to the point where 3 times I have had bad nightmares. As I write this now I had a bad nightmare last night. I don't remember exactly what happened in the dream. I had the same old thing where when you wake up the dream feels so vivid but then it seems to quickly fade away leaving only the feeling that the dream contained. I know this dream was full of hospitals, doctors, needles, even antibiotics but what struck me most about it was I kept crying out for help from nurses and doctors and no one listened to me. It was as though chaos surrounded me, people rushing everywhere and noise and I just wanted someone to help me.
I woke up with a nasty feeling of unease.. it is strange that I have had 3 nightmares in one week. It's as though when I am asleep my mind is trying to process everything that happened. I feel perfectly fine on the surface and many emotions have passed and life has gone back to normal. Yet somewhere deep inside I know that pain lurks repressed and is leaking out in the form of nightmares and anxiety.
Time is passing by but much healing yet needs to take place...
Tuesday 28 October 2014
Recovery...
Recovery so far has been longer and harder than I anticipated. It has been 19 long days since my egg collection and in previous cycles I would be well and truly back on my feet by now. This has not been the case with this cycle however.
My period was due to arrive last week and the doctor expected me to be fully recovered after this had come and gone. I began to feel quite unwell on Monday last week, had a slight temperature, stomach ache, lost my appetite. My period arrived the next day and was extremely painful and heavy. This was to be expected and I spent most of the day on the sofa. I woke up on Wednesday feeling a little better but by lunchtime things suddenly turned. I started to feel quite nauseous and cold. Nothing seemed to work to make me feel better and by 2.00pm I started being sick. I was sick 3 times (just like I usually am after my egg collection and felt the same). My stomach was quite painful and I felt terrible.
So my mum got me an emergency appointment at the doctors. After seeing me she wasn't happy at all and referred me to the hospital. It was a long couple of days - after blood tests and an examination a scan was called for. However we ended up staying in a ward overnight.
The next morning I had a scan with the gynecologist and he said that I had a blood clot and bruising around the area which had bled during my egg collection. He said that it was very tender and most likely I had an infection which would explain why I felt so unwell. I was sent to another ward and eventually sent home with antibiotics for 5 days.
After 5 days I am still bleeding. I went back to the doctors yesterday for a follow up appointment. He found from my blood test results taken at the hospital I was showing an infection at the time so another 5 days of antibiotics was prescribed. My urine sample taken yesterday shown no infection now so it has probably gone.
I believe today I may well have passed the blood clot which was over the puncture wound so this could be a good step forward to recovery. However it is still a way off yet, I am still bleeding and won't finish the antibiotics till Saturday. I have booked another doctors appointment for Monday in hope for a referral back to the hospital for another transvaginal scan to check on the bruising and blood clot. Care Fertility did say this was advisable so I hope it can be done, even just for my own peace of mind!
It has been a testing 19 days to say the least and I certainly have had a lot of experiences and things to overcome but I will be glad for full health again and to be able to get back to doing some 'normal' things again!
My period was due to arrive last week and the doctor expected me to be fully recovered after this had come and gone. I began to feel quite unwell on Monday last week, had a slight temperature, stomach ache, lost my appetite. My period arrived the next day and was extremely painful and heavy. This was to be expected and I spent most of the day on the sofa. I woke up on Wednesday feeling a little better but by lunchtime things suddenly turned. I started to feel quite nauseous and cold. Nothing seemed to work to make me feel better and by 2.00pm I started being sick. I was sick 3 times (just like I usually am after my egg collection and felt the same). My stomach was quite painful and I felt terrible.
So my mum got me an emergency appointment at the doctors. After seeing me she wasn't happy at all and referred me to the hospital. It was a long couple of days - after blood tests and an examination a scan was called for. However we ended up staying in a ward overnight.
The next morning I had a scan with the gynecologist and he said that I had a blood clot and bruising around the area which had bled during my egg collection. He said that it was very tender and most likely I had an infection which would explain why I felt so unwell. I was sent to another ward and eventually sent home with antibiotics for 5 days.
After 5 days I am still bleeding. I went back to the doctors yesterday for a follow up appointment. He found from my blood test results taken at the hospital I was showing an infection at the time so another 5 days of antibiotics was prescribed. My urine sample taken yesterday shown no infection now so it has probably gone.
I believe today I may well have passed the blood clot which was over the puncture wound so this could be a good step forward to recovery. However it is still a way off yet, I am still bleeding and won't finish the antibiotics till Saturday. I have booked another doctors appointment for Monday in hope for a referral back to the hospital for another transvaginal scan to check on the bruising and blood clot. Care Fertility did say this was advisable so I hope it can be done, even just for my own peace of mind!
It has been a testing 19 days to say the least and I certainly have had a lot of experiences and things to overcome but I will be glad for full health again and to be able to get back to doing some 'normal' things again!
Saturday 18 October 2014
Numb...
I have awoken this morning to a new feeling or rather I should say no feeling at all - numbness. I feel as though my whole mind has switched off to any emotions of pain or sadness. It feels like I have swallowed toxic venom which has disabled all my senses.
My body feels heavy and my mind feels languid. I'm only capable of thinking of light things such as 'What do I want for breakfast?', if anything deeper attempts to penetrate my mind it becomes blank. No more tears could be cried.
Is this the beginning of healing? I do believe it is. My mind has been exposed to such pain that it has almost fallen into a deep coma. Just as when a person has a physical injury to their brain and the doctor will medically induce a coma in order to heal the wound. My mind rests in a sweet slumber devoid of any pain, sadness or hurt. I've been through the tumult of shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger and bargaining over these 4 days... Now I feel nothing...
Grief is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced and it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I've been thrown into the dark deep pit of grief many times and it is not easy getting back out again. Yet my mind is becoming more resilient to it and I find it a much swifter walk through the valley of grief...
My body feels heavy and my mind feels languid. I'm only capable of thinking of light things such as 'What do I want for breakfast?', if anything deeper attempts to penetrate my mind it becomes blank. No more tears could be cried.
Is this the beginning of healing? I do believe it is. My mind has been exposed to such pain that it has almost fallen into a deep coma. Just as when a person has a physical injury to their brain and the doctor will medically induce a coma in order to heal the wound. My mind rests in a sweet slumber devoid of any pain, sadness or hurt. I've been through the tumult of shock, denial, pain, guilt, anger and bargaining over these 4 days... Now I feel nothing...
Grief is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced and it seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I've been thrown into the dark deep pit of grief many times and it is not easy getting back out again. Yet my mind is becoming more resilient to it and I find it a much swifter walk through the valley of grief...
Wednesday 15 October 2014
Surrounded by pain...
When I woke up this morning it took a few minutes for it all to register again. I thought I'd woken up from a bad nightmare and then I realised...there will be no baby. I've spent 7 weeks waking up anticipating and holding onto the hope of having a baby, dreaming of it and going to sleep holding my hope like a snuggle blanket close to my heart.
Now I sit here this morning and it's all gone. 7 weeks of taking just a little step closer to the biggest dream I've ever had. Every night I had an injection I told myself you are just one step closer, a little nearer than I was yesterday. Every scan we travelled to I grew in hope just as the little eggs were growing in me. We couldn't have felt more blessed when we had 8 eggs collected and then even more blessed because 7 fertilised and were embryos. Those 7 embryos seemed to be going strong even all of them went for a biopsy! We had no reason to believe that again we would be told the crushing news that none, not one of our little babies could be ours.
We have spent the whole year of 2014 travelling this road of IVF and most of 2013 preparing for it. In the 3 months in the run up to this third cycle we were going to the gym, eating healthily, Jay was on this special stuff called Proxeed to improve sperm quality. It was a break but still we subconsciously were always preparing for the third cycle. When we had a biochemical pregnancy in the first cycle I felt so full of pain but it just chipped away a small crack in my hope. Then the second cycle came and went and the crack got a lot bigger but by having a 3 month break some of it was glued back together. Now this third cycle has ended and it has all come tumbling down. My hope feels crushed and the pain feels insurmountable.
The pain keeps coming wave after wave and my heart feels like its going to break every time. I find respite in getting on with doing 'normal' things but out of nowhere another wave of pain washes over me. I can't put it in words to talk about it, the only way I can express myself is by writing it down. I cannot even pray to God because there are no words I can speak, it is only felt in my heart. Before I could pick myself up and dust myself off looking for the positives in it all but now I struggle... I feel dizzy with grief, dizzy with loss. Loss after loss after loss. 30 embryos, 30 babies have been made this year and not one has survived... The doctors give me numbers and statistics and percentages and tell me it's a bad batch of eggs. Some people say 'Oh it was bad luck'. Nothing happens by chance or luck. I don't know why all this has happened but I do still know, amidst all the pain, that none this is about luck or even numbers and statistics its about the plan God has for me and though my hope may be crushed at the moment God still holds a flickering light in front of me...
Now I sit here this morning and it's all gone. 7 weeks of taking just a little step closer to the biggest dream I've ever had. Every night I had an injection I told myself you are just one step closer, a little nearer than I was yesterday. Every scan we travelled to I grew in hope just as the little eggs were growing in me. We couldn't have felt more blessed when we had 8 eggs collected and then even more blessed because 7 fertilised and were embryos. Those 7 embryos seemed to be going strong even all of them went for a biopsy! We had no reason to believe that again we would be told the crushing news that none, not one of our little babies could be ours.
We have spent the whole year of 2014 travelling this road of IVF and most of 2013 preparing for it. In the 3 months in the run up to this third cycle we were going to the gym, eating healthily, Jay was on this special stuff called Proxeed to improve sperm quality. It was a break but still we subconsciously were always preparing for the third cycle. When we had a biochemical pregnancy in the first cycle I felt so full of pain but it just chipped away a small crack in my hope. Then the second cycle came and went and the crack got a lot bigger but by having a 3 month break some of it was glued back together. Now this third cycle has ended and it has all come tumbling down. My hope feels crushed and the pain feels insurmountable.
The pain keeps coming wave after wave and my heart feels like its going to break every time. I find respite in getting on with doing 'normal' things but out of nowhere another wave of pain washes over me. I can't put it in words to talk about it, the only way I can express myself is by writing it down. I cannot even pray to God because there are no words I can speak, it is only felt in my heart. Before I could pick myself up and dust myself off looking for the positives in it all but now I struggle... I feel dizzy with grief, dizzy with loss. Loss after loss after loss. 30 embryos, 30 babies have been made this year and not one has survived... The doctors give me numbers and statistics and percentages and tell me it's a bad batch of eggs. Some people say 'Oh it was bad luck'. Nothing happens by chance or luck. I don't know why all this has happened but I do still know, amidst all the pain, that none this is about luck or even numbers and statistics its about the plan God has for me and though my hope may be crushed at the moment God still holds a flickering light in front of me...
Tuesday 14 October 2014
Results and more pain...
We received the results this morning. 5 embryos had HD and the other 2 embryos came back inconclusive which means they weren't sure whether they did or didn't. Those 2 embryos had also stopped growing after biopsy so there won't be any hope of re-biopsying them.
To say I am devastated is an understatement. My heart feels like it has suffered so much pain...We have had in total 30 embryos created in one year and all have died or been affected by HD. The whole reason why we did the IVF was to remove a pain so I thought and now it has given me an even greater pain...
I don't know what I'm going to do or where we will go from here. I'm just thankful I have Jay who is always such an amazing support...
To say I am devastated is an understatement. My heart feels like it has suffered so much pain...We have had in total 30 embryos created in one year and all have died or been affected by HD. The whole reason why we did the IVF was to remove a pain so I thought and now it has given me an even greater pain...
I don't know what I'm going to do or where we will go from here. I'm just thankful I have Jay who is always such an amazing support...
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